Republicans want small government because we want less taxes. That's why we support a bloated defense budget that spends more money than any other 20 countries combined.
Republicans hate handouts. That's why we insist that corporations get $95B in welfare directly from the pockets of the tax payer.
Republicans are the party of personal responsibility. That's why we hate Obamacare because it forces people to buy insurance in case they get sick instead of leaching off the tax payer when uninsured.
Republicans want a government that's less intrusive. That's why we want the government to make women's choices for them, why we support prohibition, and why we spend billions on the war on drugs.
Republicans support religious freedom. That's why we want Islam out of this country and want to prohibit secularists from holding office.
Republicans support the troops. That's why we cut military benefits and refuse to expand services for returning veterans.
Republicans are patriotic. That's why we sabotage negotiations with Iran and support Putin more than Obama.
Republicans compromise. That's why we shut down the government.
Republicans are the party of fiscal conservation. That's why we put 2 wars and an expensive Medicaid Part D on credit with China for $2T, why almost all the states losing money are red states, and why every Republican in your lifetime ran a deep deficit.
Republicans care about the future. That's why we deny climate change.
Republicans care about the truth. That's why we deny evolution.
Republicans care about your health. That's why we want to dismantle the EPA.
Republicans care about making meaningful progress. That's why we grandstand with 50 votes against Obamacare and 65 Benghazi investigations.
Vote for us in 2016. We promise the same old song and dance.